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Reason #17 to Stock Up on Aluminum Foil

August 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm

This life hack, and the wildly different ways people choose to use it to brighten the lives of their loved ones, is the funniest thing I've seen in a while.  I'm glad I saw this when I was safely at home, rather than, say, drinking a fruit smoothie at my desk at work. 

But then I realized maybe it's not all fun and games.  Maybe that's just what the bananas want us to think.

Sure, it all seems innocent enough.  Bananas can't actually read our minds and plumb the dustiest secrets of our souls.

Right?

I'd like to believe that.  Truly I would.  But.

It's a well-known fact that one of the most efficient ways to develop a superpower involves exposure to radiation

It's also a well-known fact that bananas, by virtue of their potassium content, tend toward slight radioactivity.  (Oh K-40 background, you lovable paper tiger boogeyman of so many undergraduate physics experiments.)

In other words, bananas are constantly bathing themselves in low-level radiation.  They revel in it.

Radioactivity often imbues tremendous strength, either wholly or as a subsidiary part of a superpower "package".  (This is amply documented in the literature.  See above for references.)  But how could a banana develop super strength?  It doesn't even have limbs.  So that's out of the question. 

Psychic powers might be the second most common manifestation of the radioactivity-induced paranormal ability.  This is a broad category, of course.  But let's face it: only a complete wacko would believe in, and blog about, telekinetic bananas.

Which leads me to the conclusion—a timidly drawn, terrifying conclusion—that some bananas are psychic.  And they know EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

So that's what'll be keeping me awake tonight.  Last night it was persistent nightmares about falling from the top of a skyscraper.

Comments

Steve Halter August 2, 2011 at 7:47 am
Yes, bananas definitely need watched. They're sneaky all knowing little devils. Of course, they are merely minions of the true tropical overlord--the mighty Brazil nut. Since it contains not only potassium, but radium, selenium and barium. This quad threat of radiation has enabled them vast powers. They have already enslaved the gentle Agouti (http://www.arkive.org/brazil-nut-tree/bertholletia-excelsa/video-11.html) and the Capucian monkey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOgDd6b-3Io) in their goal of planet-wide domination. Can we be far behind?
Ian August 2, 2011 at 10:16 am
Wow! I had no idea that Brazil nuts were so dangerous. Four radioisotopes? Limbs or none, I'm pretty sure that means Brazil nuts must have super strength AND telekinesis in addition to the usual psychic powers. Compared to Brazil nuts, bananas aren't even trying.
Steve Halter August 2, 2011 at 10:35 am
That's Capuchin monkeys of course. See the power of the Brazil nut--reaching out and forcing spelling errors on me. Must get more aluminum foil...
DMS August 2, 2011 at 1:14 pm
You know what bananas get out of knowing everything about you? Knowing when they'll be torn apart and eaten.
Scott Denning August 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Given the slang designation of Brazil nuts that I grew up with, this discussion is edging into dangerously racist waters. I will say that the Brazil nut is obviously more subtle and patient. It's armor results in it usually being the last in the bag of nuts to be cracked, often residing in the holiday nut bowl for months. This allows more surveillance time of the humans in the structure. By contrast bananas are ephemeral, residing in the domicile for only a week or two before going brown, indicating a much shorter half-life. (However, the effects of over-ripe banana pheromones are only poorly understood.) As far as overt deadliness, deaths due to Brazil nut are rare but do occur, the cannonball-like nut cluster cracking the skull of an unwary passerbelow. Death by banana is far more common, as we all know since the dawn of film -- thousands of humans (and even more cartoon characters) have slipped/skidded on bananas to their great downfall. As to which I would rather have as new masters, sheer familiarity lends the banana greater a-peel. Not to mention the prospect of a giant glowing Chiquita rampaging across the countryside.
Ian August 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Unless they use their powers of psychic projection to make me *think* I'm eating when I'm not. My kitchen could be stocked full of bananas and I wouldn't even realize it.
Ian August 2, 2011 at 9:25 pm
By contrast bananas are ephemeral, residing in the domicile for only a week or two before going brown, indicating a much shorter half-life. Well played, sir! Very, very well played. Death by banana is far more common, as we all know since the dawn of film -- thousands of humans (and even more cartoon characters) have slipped/skidded on bananas to their great downfall. It's been known for decades, in fact, that protecting oneself from an assailant armed with fresh fruit is no simple task.
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