This life hack, and the wildly different ways people choose to use it to brighten the lives of their loved ones, is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. I’m glad I saw this when I was safely at home, rather than, say, drinking a fruit smoothie at my desk at work.
But then I realized maybe it’s not all fun and games. Maybe that’s just what the bananas want us to think.
Sure, it all seems innocent enough. Bananas can’t actually read our minds and plumb the dustiest secrets of our souls.
I’d like to believe that. Truly I would. But.
It’s also a well-known fact that bananas, by virtue of their potassium content, tend toward slight radioactivity. (Oh K-40 background, you lovable paper tiger boogeyman of so many undergraduate physics experiments.)
In other words, bananas are constantly bathing themselves in low-level radiation. They revel in it.
Radioactivity often imbues tremendous strength, either wholly or as a subsidiary part of a superpower “package”. (This is amply documented in the literature. See above for references.) But how could a banana develop super strength? It doesn’t even have limbs. So that’s out of the question.
Psychic powers might be the second most common manifestation of the radioactivity-induced paranormal ability. This is a broad category, of course. But let’s face it: only a complete wacko would believe in, and blog about, telekinetic bananas.
Which leads me to the conclusion—a timidly drawn, terrifying conclusion—that some bananas are psychic. And they know EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
So that’s what’ll be keeping me awake tonight. Last night it was persistent nightmares about falling from the top of a skyscraper.